Overcoming Comparative Suffering: Why All Pain Deserves Validation

Published on 11 November 2024 at 14:04

This article explores how first responders and healthcare workers can overcome comparative suffering—the habit of dismissing personal pain by comparing it to others. By acknowledging that all pain is valid and practicing self-compassion, they can move toward healing. As a relational therapist in Denver, Colorado, I provide guidance to help individuals embrace empathy and resilience over comparison.

 

In my work as a relational therapist in Denver, Colorado, I frequently meet with first responders, healthcare workers, and their families who struggle with a unique form of emotional burden: comparative suffering. Often, I hear people dismiss their pain, saying things like, “Others have it worse,” or “I should just be grateful.”

This mindset, while common and often well-intentioned, can lead to an internalized belief that we don’t have the right to feel or express our struggles. But the truth is, hardship, grief, and shame don’t follow a hierarchy—they exist in all of us, regardless of how our experiences stack up against others.

Comparative suffering is the tendency to measure our pain against others’ to minimize it. This often starts with societal phrases like “look on the bright side” or “at least it’s not as bad as....” While meant to provide perspective, these sentiments can invalidate our genuine feelings, leading to shame, loneliness, and an unwillingness to share our experiences.

The truth is, hardship, devastation, grief, and shame (the list can go on) knows no bounds. Meaning, pain and suffering will still be present when enduring a struggle in life no matter the size, duration, or frequency of the situation.

 

Why Comparative Suffering is Harmful

In our society, we’re subtly taught to rank our suffering. However, denying or downplaying our emotions doesn’t make them go away—it only causes them to intensify. Internalized shame that isn’t processed grows stronger over time, often leading to issues like isolation, resentment, and frustration. For first responders and healthcare workers, this can be especially dangerous, as these emotions may interfere with professional responsibilities and personal relationships. Here’s how comparative suffering may harm mental and emotional well-being:

  • Encourages denial of emotions, leading to shame, fear, and frustration.

  • Creates feelings of inadequacy or guilt if we perceive our pain as “lesser” or our

    struggle as “unworthy.”

  • Undermines our ability to find joy in accomplishments or blessings, as we’re too

    focused on what we “should” feel.

  • Promotes false assumptions about others' lives, believing their experiences to be easier

    or harder than our own.

  • Leads to isolation, as we may feel that no one would understand our “smaller” problems.

 

How to Overcome Comparative Suffering

Breaking free from comparative suffering is possible through self-compassion, empathy, and acceptance. By validating your emotions and moving away from harmful comparisons, you give yourself the freedom to experience healing and personal growth. Here are some steps to help first responders, healthcare professionals, and anyone feeling the weight of comparison move forward:

  • Acknowledge your feelings: Allow yourself to feel emotions without judgment. Your feelings are real and deserve to be recognized.

  • Practice self-compassion: Approach yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend facing similar struggles.

  • Challenge comparative thoughts: Remind yourself that everyone’s pain is unique and valid. Your experiences do not need to be compared to be worthwhile.

  • Shift from comparison to empathy: When you catch yourself comparing, pause and consider your experience (or someone else’s) with curiosity rather than judgment.

  • Create safe spaces: Seek out supportive environments where you can openly share without fear of judgment or dismissal.

  • Engage in mindfulness: Stay present and grounded in your emotions, focusing on your personal experiences without placing them on a “suffering scale.

 

Moving Towards Healing and Growth

 

Overcoming comparative suffering is an ongoing journey that requires compassion, mindfulness, and self-awareness. By recognizing that each person’s pain is valid, we give ourselves permission to fully process our own struggles. Shifting from a mindset of comparison to one of empathyboth for ourselves and othersopens the door to healing and understanding. These practices empower us to move beyond harmful comparisons and into acceptance and resilience.

If you’re a first responder or healthcare worker in Denver, Colorado, seeking support, consider reaching out to a relational therapist. Working together, we can honor your unique experiences, free from comparison, and support you on the path to healing.