People continuously enter and exit our lives. Each connection, whether fleeting or long-lasting, holds meaning and often contributes to our personal growth. However, when someone exits our life—whether by choice, circumstance, or force—it can leave a significant emotional void. This emptiness is especially prominent when the loss feels unclear, sudden, or unresolved. The uncertainty that comes with ambiguous loss can freeze an individual in the grieving process, making it hard to move forward.
What is Ambiguous Loss?
Ambiguous loss is a term coined by Dr. Pauline Boss to describe a form of grief that lacks clear boundaries or closure. Unlike traditional loss, which has definite markers—such as a funeral or memorial—ambiguous loss is often invisible to those who aren’t directly affected by it. This can make it an isolating experience for individuals and families, who may feel unsupported and misunderstood. The emotional toll of this type of loss can impact both mental and physical health.
This concept became particularly relevant during the COVID-19 pandemic, when many of us experienced significant disruptions in our lives, from the loss of social connections to the unpredictability of daily life. For many, ambiguous loss was a silent struggle during this time of upheaval.
“I intentionally hold the opposing ideas of absence and presence, because I have learned that most relationships are indeed both.”
— Pauline Boss, Ph.D.
Two Types of Ambiguous Loss
Ambiguous loss can be categorized into two main types, each affecting individuals in different ways:
- Physically Absent but Psychologically Present This type of ambiguous loss occurs when someone is physically absent but continues to be emotionally and mentally present in the minds and hearts of their loved ones. This absence could be due to a variety of reasons—by choice or force. Some examples include:
- A soldier who is missing in action
- A child who has run away or been abducted
- A loved one whose body has not been recovered
- A partner who has “ghosted” you or a relationship marked by divorce or separation
- Estrangement or incarceration
- Separation due to immigration
- Physically Present but Emotionally Absent This form of loss occurs when someone is physically present, but mentally or emotionally unavailable. This type of loss can often feel especially painful because the person is still there physically, yet their emotional or psychological presence is lacking. Examples include:
- Dementia or traumatic brain injuries
- Addiction (alcohol or drugs)
- Chronic mental illness
- A “workaholic” partner who is constantly absent emotionally or mentally
What’s Missing in Ambiguous Loss?
In traditional loss, rituals like wakes, funerals, and memorial services provide a sense of closure for families and friends. These rituals help acknowledge the loss, offering an emotional framework to move through grief. But with ambiguous loss, these rituals are often absent, leaving individuals with no clear sense of closure.
Without closure, those affected by ambiguous loss may struggle with feelings of confusion, helplessness, and isolation. Friends and family might not know how to provide support because they cannot see the grief clearly. This lack of understanding can compound the pain and make the grieving process feel even more difficult.
What’s Present During Ambiguous Loss?
When experiencing ambiguous loss, individuals often report feeling stuck in a state of grief—what some describe as “frozen grief” or “grief limbo.” Unlike traditional grief, where people typically move through the five stages in some form, those experiencing ambiguous loss often get stuck in one of these stages, unable to move forward.
Common emotional responses to ambiguous loss include:
- Helplessness: Feeling as though there’s nothing you can do to fix the situation.
- Depression: A pervasive sadness that comes from the inability to resolve the loss.
- Anxiety: Worrying about the future or not knowing how to cope with the uncertainty.
- Relationship conflict: Struggling to communicate your needs with others, leading to misunderstandings.
- Somatic symptoms: Experiencing physical symptoms like fatigue, headaches, or other stress-related conditions.
These emotional and physical effects occur because the grieving person is dealing with a situation that is cognitively confusing and unresolved. Without the usual rituals of closure, the grief process becomes more complex and challenging.
How to Combat Life’s Ambiguous Losses
If you recognize this form of loss in your life, you may be wondering how to move forward. The first step is to acknowledge what you are experiencing. Naming your grief can help externalize it and make it feel more manageable. Research shows that labeling your emotions and experiences helps you understand them better, which is the first step in the healing process.
Here are a few steps that can help you navigate ambiguous loss and find peace:
- Acknowledge and Name the Loss
Be vulnerable with yourself and give voice to what you are feeling. Recognizing the situation as ambiguous loss can be an important first step in understanding how it’s impacting your life. This act of recognition can provide clarity and release some of the pressure of unspoken grief. - Build a Support System
Surround yourself with a network of understanding individuals. Whether that’s family, friends, or support groups, connecting with others who understand your experience can help reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness. - Work Toward Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean you condone or approve of the loss; rather, it’s about learning to cope with the situation and finding ways to adapt. This step is about coming to terms with the fact that the loss may never be fully resolved. - Create Goals to Move Forward
Ambiguous loss often feels like a roadblock. Creating goals and finding ways to reframe your experience can help you regain a sense of control. This could involve redefining the relationship or finding new ways to find meaning in the situation. - Rewrite the Ending
While the loss may not have a clear ending, you can rewrite the story by finding ways to reclaim your emotional well-being. This can include seeking professional support or exploring therapy to help you navigate the complex feelings tied to ambiguous loss.
Need Support? I Can Help.
If you're struggling with ambiguous loss and feeling stuck in your grief, I’m here to help. Together, we can work on identifying what you are experiencing, create a support plan, and help you take steps towards healing. Reach out today to schedule a session and start the journey toward healing. You don’t have to go through this alone. Let’s rewrite your story and find peace amidst the uncertainty.